Boston to Pittsburgh to Strip Club

With my car packed more than a black porn star’s underwear, it was finally time to head home to good ole Pennsylvania. As a man of great courage, my cousin decided to make the trek to Boston, spend the day, and endure a long but eventful 23 hours of time well spent with me. The day started at 430 A.M. when we woke up and hopped into the Jeep and immediately began to feel how long of a trip this truly was going to be. Since talking about every twist and turn of the trip is rather redundant and boring, I will mention a few interesting things about the trip.

            Of course there is no way I could reach PA from Boston without passing through the lovely, yet putrid land called New Jersey. Rather than seeing New Jersey, I decided to drive with my eyes closed because it would be better to die as a result of a high speed car crash, than to open my eyes and have them burn slowly and painfully at the eye sore of the United States. Before reaching the Keystone State, my cousin and I decided to take the ceremonial and traditional leak on NJ soil. We figured it was a very generous and selfless thing we could do as New Jersey could only benefit from such a gift. Once finished, we noticed that we were not the only ones trying to help the NJ flora. A girl probably about 5 years old decided it was also appropriate to hold mommy’s hand as she dropped her pants and sprayed the tree. She must have smart parents because she has been taught well.

            As with any kind of trip, we were bound to hit traffic. This traffic though was not because of an accident, not construction related, or not a result of everyone watching a police officer ruin yet another person’s day. This traffic was a result of everyone driving slowly in awe as their eyes were locked on the 18-wheeler that had caught on fire and burnt to the ground. When I say burnt to the ground, the truck was completely gone, leaving a helpless trailer by its lonesome. I had thought about turning around or trying to take a different road, but I realized that this scene was something you see in Hollywood movies, not the middle of PA.

   Towards the end of the trip, we decided to stop and grab some food. As we crushed our food from Wendy’s, we hear an intercom turn on. The man clears his voice and says, “Person number 81, your shower is ready. Please proceed to stall number 6 located on the right.” As the man repeated his message, I look at my cousin and laughed. Not only can you grab food at Wendy’s now, but you can also take a shower right around the corner of the convenience store attached to Wendy’s. If homeless people don’t know about this rest stop, someone should tell them. This place is equipped for them.

   After applying for a few jobs when I got home and no time to nap, I proceeded to venture out to Pittsburgh with my cousin and a friend we’ll call winger. We headed to drink with winger and his brother. After a tournament of beruit and my dignity stolen from a sweep of 2-0 in a best of 3 series, we decided to head to a strip club. As a first timer in the joint, I began to booze harder and harder to get my money’s worth since beer was free once you got in. As I’m on my way to being hammered, girls are throwing themselves at my buddies and I like we are a two for one on the clearance rack at their favorite clothing store. The thing about it is, the girls weren’t even smooth, but rather all business. One approached my cousin and instead of saying “hi” or trying to smoothly seduce his inebriated mind, which wouldn’t have taken much, she instead just says, “what do you say we go upstairs and I give you a lap dance?” At least make some effort to seduce him, or at least fix your gap between your teeth with all your tip money. The highlight of my night was not when I spent 20 dollars on a lap dance, because that didn’t happen, but rather when I sat down at a chair in front of the main stage where girls touched each other as if they were priests at a middle school confession. So one girl does a little dance move touches her stomach then comes close to me and pulls her garter and makes the gesture to for me to put money in. Now either way she was getting a dollar which isn’t a lot but her dance was so bad that instead of giving her a dollar, I responded with, “You’re probably gonna have to work a little hard than that to get a dollar around here.” Not until she told me that I was “the rudest customer that she has ever had” did I realize the magnitude of my comment. Do I regret it? No. Did she deserve it? Yeah I mean she is a stripper and she sucked. Should I have just given her a dollar to keep the peace? Probably. But I didn’t and now she will forever remember me. I don’t know if that is a good thing but I sure got a laugh out of it.

After more drinking and watching women degrade themselves more and more throughout the night, we decided to leave. Of course a group of guys can’t get into their car without someone causing trouble right? Right. Some lanky kid comes up and says that he plays hockey and that his team could beat any team. I laughed. Winger’s brother didn’t bother saying anything until the scrub decided to throw out, “I’ll elbow you in the face.” After getting tossed to the ground by winger’s brother, the kid didn’t learn his lesson. Cops came, we bounced, and I passed out after a long, but interesting 23 hours of pure enjoyment.

No proofread. Had to.